272. The only thing you truly control is today

My wife and I had been discussing for 30 years the idea of living in a natural setting, surrounded by mountains and a river. 

We kept postponing, telling ourselves we’d do it once we had more time—after wrapping up our worldly duties and responsibilities. 

Time feels strange now. She passed away four months before our scheduled departure to the place we had selected. We had a house, plans, and a complete map ready, but we didn't have tomorrow.

That moment sparked a change inside me. After she left, I still remain in a house I did not choose to be in. I keep thinking about all the things we had put off. 

All the sunsets we could have watched at our chosen place. All the mornings we could have woken up there, in a new place – a place well chosen. A place of our own, with birds, numerous trees, flowers, a dog, and freedom.

When someone you love passes away, it's more than just missing them. The world around you changes—it is no longer the same without them. And you, in turn, change.

My identity is different now because my wife is no longer here. And I am no longer here because I always saw dreams that weren’t meant to be alone for me. They were meant to be shared to make them true. Alone, for me, they have no life. 

I have no dreams to fulfill, and all I do is try to do something worthwhile so the day passes somehow. I regret the days spent waiting and postponing. Things to do when the time comes and time ditches us, a fact no one really taught us. 

Waiting might seem responsible and safe, but it often conceals underlying fear. The real, seldom-voiced truth is that no one truly knows how much time they have—whether they are 50 or 70.

I've seen strong and healthy men die, still making plans for their lives. Yet, one day they say 'one day,' and suddenly that day never comes. And they are no more. 

The other day, I was talking to a retired professor friend about our mutual friends, and we were surprised to realize we've lost about 90 percent of them in recent years. Many of them were disciplined people, unlike us, who led bohemian lives.  

It was a shock to both of us. We went silent on the phone. COVID happened and is long over, and we kept planning to meet at some point, but the dates never lined up. 

Stop delaying the pleasure of enjoying delicious meals. Don't hide that nice shirt away in the closet. Don't wait for the perfect moment to go on your trip. 

Make the call, speak to those you love and care about, and start your project today. The ideal time for these actions is now, while you are alive and breathing. 

Nothing occurs suddenly. Life doesn’t vanish all at once; instead, it slowly fades away through restless nights and the illusion of never-ending tomorrows. 

You don't have endless sunsets or chances. Don't wait until you are my age. At my age, there are only regrets, no matter how strong-willed you are. 

Act now, make a deal today, do it today because tomorrow isn't guaranteed. 

The tomorrow you envision is the future, and no one can control the future. The only thing you truly control is today.

Today has been a really broken, ruptured, dispirited, sad, abnormal, badly smashed, and stupid day for me. And I had no control over it. 

Look at my audacity in saying that the only thing you control is today. Best of luck to you all.